Friday, May 20, 2011

Well, time to say goodbye, once again.

I have found a new place to blog, with better software, reminiscent of the software I used to used for building my website. The link follows shortly, and I hope to see you there!

OMG, I so gotta tell this now!

OMG, I think I've met the man of my dreams. :D He's really sweet, and he makes me feel a way I've never felt for anyone before, and he's soooooo cute too! I can't even describe how I feel right now. :D

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Good and bad day today, with a good link. :D

Ok, the good. Found out at therapy I was diagnosed with GID and depression, which means if things go right, I'll get to go to TSB for free! I'm still so freakin excited! Now that the ball is in my court, I gotta get my butt in gear and get enrolled and the paperwork started.

Next up, the bad. I dropped a 200 pound tv on my foot. And it went corner first in too. But I replaced the cheapo Ilo tv in my bedroom with a much larger RCA tv. It looks great, and has an audio out that is controlled by the volume. Freakin' awesome. Now I won't have to get up to turn the audio from my movies down at my Heathkit amplifier. :)

On another note, I met a guy online a couple days ago. Just sent me a how's it going email, and said he collected antique radios too. Well, we've been talking the past couple days through texts and emails. BTW, gay guys I've noticed are quite eager to give their numbers out to trannies they think are hot, lol. Anyway, after a discussion about travel tonight, he really got into getting to know me. He's a good looking guy, has a great job, and has many of the same interests as I do. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be cool if we hit it off. And then I'm also talking to a guy not too far from here too that's pretty awesome. Something is starting to click with him.

Besides that, I got 2 ceiling fans installed today on my parents deck. OMG, do they make a huge difference out there. So worth the extra effort to get installed. Also, my phone got shut off today thanks to my ex. When she canceled her phone by accessing my account without my permission, she canceled mine too. That screw up (nothing new for her) put over $600 on my account. Freakin rediculous. But since she did it, it's not surprising to me at all it happened.

And lastly the link. Fair warning, if the aterworks come one when you watch anything emotional, get some tissues ready before you watch. What happens in the video is so my dream now. :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Another gloomy day today

   Just another gloomy day today that drains me of energy and destroys my happiness. Nothing new there though. My anxiety attacks have gotten much worse too. I've been trying to figure out what triggered the worse attacks to begin and I figured out they started right before Tiffany and I broke up. Not that I'm saying she is the cause of them, but just how I remember it. I've always had anxiety issues, but it as controllable till then. Now I really need some sort of medicine to control them. Some attacks get bad enough I can't go outside at night without my blood pressure skyrocketing.

   On another note, I installed PCLinuxOS 2010.12 on my Dell Latitude D500 laptop. Being a Linux OS based on Redhat at its core, I was pretty skeptical of liking it at all since everything I kno about Linux as a whole is more Debian based. The install was literally painfully slow. Like hour and a half slow. From the live CD wasn't much better either. Slow, buggy, culdn't do much. But it did recognize all my hardware, so it got me intrigued enough to try it. Once the install finished, I rebooted, and botted from the hard disk. Boot time was relatively fast, on par with Ubuntu 10.10 or 11.04. Faster than Windows for sure. Be faster if I installed the speed kernel.

   The one thing I noticed I don't like, and am trying to find a work around for, is no package installer for packages downloaded to the desktop. I had to run Terminal to do that, but it was easy. To install Opera, just took the command in Terminal "rpm -i /path/to/rpm/file". I can live with that. Besides that, flash and java run better than in Ubuntu, along with a smoother experience in total.

   I think I'll be staying with PCLinuxOS for a while now.

   Oh, and another thing. I think Tiffany is still throwing her hissy fit. Every ad I put on Craigslist gets flagged, even though I never break the rules there. Her flagging the ads is the only explanation why every ad gets taken down. And it got worse after she threw her overly childish. But hey, if she's wasting her time flagging them, just means it's her waste of time, not mine. Only takes me a couple seconds to repost an ad. One of my friends suggested the idea she might be doing it because she still wanted to be with me. My instant response without having to think was "Then she fucked up. Shouldn't have done all this in the first place and it would take a miracle for her and I to get back together again." But honestly, other than her being a thief taking my clothes, life's just peachy now. It was fun when it as good, and I'll never forget it, but I've had my fill. If you're reading this Tiffany, I mean no offense but you'll probably take it anyway. I know now to never get with anyone with a religious nutcase family. They seemed to be most of the problem. They never liked me to begin with, and never did till the end. And the grandmother thought she had the right to control everything in everyones lives which was a joke. I seriously put money on it Tiffany's family rode her till she left me. I do know her mom was a good part of that, but going through like 8 marriages (I think that's right.), she's not exactly the kind of person anyone should listen to about anything at all that deals with relationships.

   Anyway, I'm getting bored typing, so I'm going to hop off here and text te new guy I'm talking to back. :) BTW, I've decided I'm straight up gay no. No more bi crap anymore, lol.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Not so good day today.

TVA Credit Union has me irked. Put $400 in my checking and for some odd reason, my checking can't be accessed at all. Gonna go raise some hell tomorrow. On top of that, I had repaired my tv. Had a bad capacitor in the vertical output section but it's acting up again. I'm about to toss it in the trash. Going to order the power board for a big flatscreen in my shop, and trash that damn Ilo. For what was paid for it, I guess it lasted well enough. But onto hi def now since I have a Bluray player now. I might as well make use of the 1080p it does. Anyway, went to work on a customer radio this afternoon, worked on it a bit till I got frustrated. When I get that way, I ork on something else, or just take a break. Took me 45 minutes to find a chassis to one of my radios, and that pissed me off to no end. Then, once I finally found it, my screwdriver set disappeared. Never found it.

But I did finish a radio. A Silvertone console that my ex bought me. here's a vid.

Sounds pretty good for the basic circuit it is. Already has a place in the bedroom. Well, that's it for now. Later!


OMG, I have more fears now than I've ever had in my life. I got Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare the other day for my PS3. Freakin' awesome and hard game. But there's a catch. I'm fine playing it, but after, I have the early feeling of an anxiety attack coming on. After dark, I don't feel comfortable leaving my room, let alone going outside for a cigarette or to take Ariel out. Tonight, I didn't even play it, but while talking to Benjamin online and standing on the deck in the backyard, I felt like I was gonna have an anxiety attack. Ugh. going through these changes sucks sometimes.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Decent day today.

Well, I woke up today, as usual, at the crack of noon, lol. Had the Nissan truck loaded on my car hauler already, and brought it up to the house to clear the crap out of it. Got to talk to Karen for a while while I worked. Talking to her while doing that seemed to make the time fly by and I was done in no time. Cleaned it out, and before I was ready to leave, my dad said he wasn't going to be able to go with me. Kinda sucked cause since coming out he and I seem to have gotten closer and it really helps him to get out. But I took to truck off anyway. Took it to Pull A Part instead of PSC since they were offering $13 per hundred compared to $12 per hundred. Plus, I got to be lazy and leave the wheels on it and the gas tank. Got $340 for the truck. More than I planned on really. The point in scrapping the truck instead of repairing it was just to pay my cell phone bill since it was $250 something and had 6 days left to pay it. No way I was pulling that out of my butt, haha.

Anyway, cashed the check at the credit union on the way home, and figured I'd work on my CRT tv that had crapped out. It had started getting horizontal lines across the top of the screen a week or so ago. As time passed, the area of lines seemed to get larger. So... I posted on my radio forum asking about it. One of the full time tv techs there told me a capacitor in the vertical output section was bad and needed replaced. So I tore it apart on the bed,replaced the capacitor and reassembled. Put it back on my armoire, and when I turned it on, the line were there again. :(

I was just like, screw it. Thought to myself, I'll just order the power board the big screen in the garage needs and trash this POS. Got Ariel and we went out front for a cigarette and played for a few. When we came back in, I saw the lines on the tv weren't there. Ok then... so I figured it as a fluke, and played some video games on the pS3 for a while. It's 4 am right now and the lines haven't come back yet. I'm going to give it till tomorrow afternoon before I say it's fixed. No matter though, cause I do plan on ordering that part for the big flat screen in my shop so i can play Gran Turismo 5 and Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare in HD.

Speaking of that, I bought the new Red Dead Redemption today. Got it cheap too. I bught it right before I worked on the tv at Gamestop and finally got their card thing that gets a discount online and in stores. Well, I had a new girl there ring me up. Not that that in its self means something bad was going to happen, but just wait. Came home, did the tv, got the case out to play, and guess what? The disc wasn't in the case. Damn. Called Gamestop, the girl that answered said to bring the case and the receipt and they'd get the disc for me. Being 20 till 9 pm, I rished down there. Made it there at 9 on the mark, right after they locked the door. The girl said if I waited they would get it when they came out. anyay I waited and got it. The manager guy gave me his card with some stuff wrote on it saying I could get a 10% discount next time I came in with it.

I've been playing it since I got home tonight. Awesome game and super hard. But it's giving me panic attacks about leaving my room though. Sucks soooo bad. But on a good note, Karen and her man will be here soon which is gonna be soooooooooo awesome! I seriously can't wait. It gonna be great once she's here. :)

Friday, May 6, 2011

I miss Tiffanee... and I think I met someone else. :P

She and Chris haven't even been gone a full day yet, and I miss them already. Gonna suck not being able to hang out anymore. But at least I got to see her yesterday and almost all of today, and met several people from her family. Her mom is awesome and so nice, and her sister that was there yesterday and today was cool too. Had fun talking to her.

Oh, and I think I've met someone awesome. She is a CNA, and I can't remember how old, lol. Umm, she and I think alike on so much already. Especially on the hole trust issue which is awesome after what my ex put me through. I sure as hell won't do that again, haha. But it's so awesome we think so much alike on the important stuff. We texted almost all day today and it was great. Got so be with Tiffanee and talk to someone I might hook up with. :D

Anyway, I need to get to bed. My head is killing me from my lack of sleep last night. Later!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I miss my bff already... :(

I made it home a bit ago from Tiffanee's house. Got to see her mom and sister, and help a little bit loading stuff up for them. Had fun talking to her mom, and before I left, her sister. She's pretty cool. Kinda wish I had been able to talk to her more, but maybe when I make a trip to NC to visit.

I'm seriously stressing out over this. I've cried my eyes out for like a week over her leaving. I've never had such a close friend that meant so much to me. To me, words can't describe our friendship.

I can't write anymore. I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Been a while...

Figured I'd better get to posting so the few of you that read this don't stop, lol. So where to begin, lol. Had to deal with a lot of family medical issues since the last post, and decided 100% for sure I want to go to Tennessee School of Beauty. I was sure about it till my mom kept going on and on, and on, and on questioning my choice in a possible career. Not that's anything new though. She's done that with every single career idea I've had. It's not straight forward or blunt, but she nit picks the idea to pieces. I finally said something the other day, but not like it matters. I bet money once I get into school, she will still try to get me out of it.

Anyway, my bff Tiffanee has to move back to NC. Having her as a friend to hang out with and go do stuff with has been better for me than the past 5 years with my ex. (Sorry if you're reading this, but it's the truth) She has gotten me going out, and being more comfortable with myself. Even helped me pick out some makeup (which you didn't seem to be able to do), to get me everything I needed since my neighbor friend Jaime helped me get the majority.

Umm... oh, Karen. I met her off Craigslist too a bit after me and Tiffanee started talking, and she and I had talked on ocassion, but not too often. A couple days before Tiffanee told me her and Chris had to move back to North Carolina, me and Karen started hitting it off. Once I found out, I told Karen, and she said she would do her best to take Tiffanee's place, which as little as we had talked and gotten to know each other, really means something to me. Just like with Tiffanee, Karen is so easy to talk to. Been talking to her on the phone and it's actually fun for me. And that's saying something since I've never liked talking on the phone, lol. Seems like the more we talk, the more the rest of the year gets planned out already, lol. Not that I'm complaining though. I really do need to get out more so I can get over my, for a better lack of a word, stupid fears. Oh, and Karen is going be getting me out in a bikini this year to. :P That'll be interesting.

I know I haven't been out too much in the past while, but I have my makeup down perfectly (or so I'm told, lol), my boobs look great (just my vanity coming out , lol, and others opinions), I don't walk all manly anymore, aaaaaannnnnnd the times I've been out, I've not gotten a single weird look or bad comment, even using womens restrooms. So when you get down to the basics of my transition, there's no reason I should be this way. My therapist Janet, Tiffanee, Karen, Megan, Whitney, Tonya, my ex Ashley (that's a long story, lol), Ensley, my ex Kayla (another long story), Xena, Jaime, and there's prolly others, but they've all said I just need to get over this and just do it. (Off topic, but does anyone see a trend with my friends? Haha)I really want to so I can just get on with my life, but this fear is deep rooted in me and not that simple. I wish it as like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway, real quick, my ex Kayla. If you're reading this, the you prolly remember me telling part of this already, lol. We dated literally forever ago. I was a dick, like with most of my ex's. Mainly cause of the depression I was dealing with but that's not the topic now. When she and I split, I never really got over her. I had feelings for her for years and years after. Anyway, long story short, I finally got over my scaredness (not a proper word, get over it, lol) and found her on Facebook, and messaged her. I'm so glad I did, cause we talked about what happened and after I asked, she forgave me for what I did. I felt horrible about that for years, but now that's one stress off my shoulders. No we're friends and I couldn't be happier.

Next up, my ex Ashley. Those of you that really kno me, I had a particular nickname I would use for her, but the same thing with Kayle happened with her. I was a dick, because of my depression. Never really got over her, but I've known for years she'd been on Facebook, and Myspace before that. Just too chicken to try talking to her. hell, I'd seen her around Seymour dozens of times since we split, and even talked to her little sister a couple times too, but never could talk to her. But we talked, and like Kayla, Ashley forgave me and no we're friends. She's still bitchy like before, but a little worse since we aren't dating anymore. which sucks, cause I'd do anything to get back with her.

But with both Kayla and Ashley, before I messaged them on Facebook, there was something inside me that just told me I should, and I'm glad I did. Well worth the initial stress. So things just keep getting better. Didn't end up with a girlfriend with either of them, but got 2 good friends, which now in my book, is better. I've come to realize, yes, I still really want to be with someone, but even if they pretend to want to spend the rest of their life with you, the whole relationship can turn out to be a lie and you get fucked by the person who you think cares more about you than anyone.

Hell, Whitney, Tiffanee, and Karen care more about me than any single person I've dated in my life, and to be honest, I love them all. I would do anything in my limited power to help them, no matter what it is, where, or what time. I'd do anything for them.

But anyway, the last thing I'd like to write about is that since I became single and got over (can't really say loss) the action that led to me being single, I've been happier than I ever have been in my life. Being out to my parents and them knowing I'm 99% gay (more in a moment) means I can date guys and not have to lie to myself anymore. Right now, I'm talking to 2 guys, and 3 women, 2 of which have kids, which is good since I'm sterile now.

And to the last thing about me saying I'm pretty much gay. After getting saved and my life turning for the better, I did a lot of soul searching. I've come to realize that other than Whitney, Ashley, Kayla, and 2 other women I won't mention here, I don't like women. I just dated them as part of the masculine front I put of for everyone over the years. Not that I regret being with any female I was with, if I had the choice to do it all over, other than those listed, I wouldn't. They didn't make me truly happy. Not like having a guy does. So as a male, I'm gay. As a woman, I'd be straight other than a few bi encounters, as Karen said, haha.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm freaking out over this, but one Karen and her man move here (soon!), she's going use her epilator on me so I can see what it's like. I so want to try one, but the fact I'll prolly freak when she starts and she ill more than likely notice scares me. But if I like it, less shaving for me, lol. And BTW, once she gets here I kno we're gonna be super awesome friends. We get along just as well as me and Tiffanee, which was a first for me ever.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I feel horrible...

I've been putting off a date with a cute guy that really likes me for a week or so now. He told me tonight he doesn't have much time and since he share's his computer with his dad, that he probably won't be getting online much more. He still wants to meet me and see what can happen, but I feel horrible for doing that to him. he has been nothing but sweet and a gentleman to me, and I just kept blowing him off. I wouldn't be surprised that when I tell him my next free day, he won't wanna meet anymore. Hell, I can't make a woman happy, and hell, I've already started that out with guys.

I think I'm going to go cry now.. :(

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I feel like being interesting now.

I've been watching some videos that Otep Shamaya did answering some questions that people wrote to her. Learning more about her is very inspirational. Her ideals behind "Art Saves" are awesome. I don't even know the words to describe it. I'm not exactly an artsy person, I'm more mechanical really. Except my writing. All I've heard is praise on some of the things I've written, here or elsewhere.

So what I'm getting at is I'm wanting to write something. Not too many people know, but I have some very, what word can I use...vivid?, dreams. Unfortunately, none have really been good, or your typical dreams. What I dream about is pain, torture, desperation, fear, and terror. I'm talking things that would make your skin crawl if it was a movie. What makes these dreams more interesting to me is that I have night terrors. Imagine waking up from a nightmare in your bed, but seeing your bedroom as a poorly lit, blood covered cinder block room. You're strapped to a medical table, while a "creature" spreads your jaws open and starts pushing its way into you. But you don't feel it as your jaw is being ripped off, but your tongue is sliding into the back of your throat, and your mouth and neck are stretching to let the creature inside. Knowing what that feels like consciously is like being part of Hell.

Or having another creature eating you, bite by bite, and feeling the pain of chunks of your body being ripped away. All that, while conscience. Death seems like a sweet release from the pain.

Or how about this. Imagine what it feels like to have a dream in which you are having your entrails ripped out of you. Not through your stomach like most horror movies portray death of that sort. No, I mean having everything inside you pulled out through your mouth, feeling the pain of it ripping inside you, the feeling of choking, losing all ability to breath, while it's pulled up through your throat and out your mouth.

That sort of thing is what I go through every night. Not on a rare occasion, or every once and a while, but every single night. That's one reason I seem to have insomnia, staying awake close to 20 hours at a time a lot of the time. When I do get 8 hours, it's not naturally. It has be brought on by a sleep aid.

My whole point of this is one simple question. Should I try to put some of my nightmares into text and maybe see if I could be published? Writing is one of the few ways I can express myself and my thoughts anymore, so I'm pretty sure I could do it. I'd just like to hear others opinions.

Please message me here or email me at tubes 2 transistors (at) gmail dot com. Take out the spaces, (at) is @ and (dot) is a ".". Hope to hear from some people soon.

Things are getting better.

Things just keep getting better. Figured out last night that I can eat more types of food now. I mean things that 6-8 months ago would have had my stomach tore all to hell and had me sick for weeks. They don't bother me now. :) I don't expect all foods to be ok, so I'm still keeping my stomach pills for backup, lol.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's a good day so far.

It's only 2:51 PM (as of starting this), and it's already a good day. Normally I can never tell whether it's a good day or not till it's time for bed. I had an appointment with Janet today, my therapist, and that went really well. I told her that I quit my antidepressants, and was happier off them than on them. Told her how tings were going in my life, like my relationship with Whitney and Tiffanee, getting out more, going to XYZ, and how I have a date with a super hot 22 y/o UT student. She's amazed at how well I'm progressing from my total depression that was almost debilitating, to making so much progress.I've mentioned several times the HBSC, and she said last time, she had began reading it. That got me up a bit.

   Really, I don't absolutely need therapy anymore, but it does keep me up if something has me down at that time. She even mentioned the way things are going, my not anting to try suicide anymore, and the fact I have my citting almost completely under control and am working to stop even having the urges, that there's really not an absolute need to keep coming. But... today, she said after asking a few things that she's trying to diagnose me. So I'm hoping that means she might do the letter I need to start HRT the legal and safe way. Ordering them from out of country sucks. But, getting it this way is the only way I can get it right now, so it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Anyway, time to go get some Sprites. Later!

Monday, April 18, 2011


   Ok, he just keeps getting better and better. :) I just finished talking to him for the past couple hours now, and literally every single word out of his mouth makes me like him more and more. We talked about movies and music, and relationships tonight. He was amazed I'd been in a relationship for almost 5 years. Oh, and he is such a gentleman too!  I think in these 2 days we've talked online we have really gotten to know each other rather well. Don't get me wrong, I can get to know someone quite fast, but this is just amazing! it's going so fast it's unbelievable! The getting to know each other part, that is, lol. Since my bff is leaving with her hubby tomorrow sometime for some family issues, I had to reschedule our date cause I need me a new outfit to meet him. Not an issue, by any means. He actually had eaten something today that has gotten him sick, so at least we're on the same boat. Hopefully our date goes through on Thursday.

   I can't for the life of my think of anyone that has me so excited for a first date. I'm almost to the point of giving myself an anxiety attack over meeting him! Lol. I've never been that way over anyone before. :P ell, I need to get to sleep, so I'm going to end this here. These 5 am nights are killing me, but it's so worth it to talk to him. Later!

BTW, he told me that he really likes me and really hopes there's some chemistry between us. :D

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I have met the man of my dreams now. Literal perfection. :) Words cannot even describe the goodness. I can't wait to meet him now. ;)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Well, let me reiterate that last post.

    What I meant to say was as of tonight, I'm feeling down. It might be a while before I post again because of a certain something that happened with a certain someone. If you're reading this, I'm not holding against you or anything, and I still want to be friends. K? Just need some time to deal with it.

   Maybe in a few days, or if we talk again I'll start posting. Well, time for bed. My sleeping pill is really working now. Don't want to fall asleep on the porch, lol.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I need a guy

I need a man in my life. I want someone to take me out. The only thing that sucks about singleness is the boredom. I have a lot of friends now, but most I don't want to hang out with, except my bff. But she's to far away to see everyday. It doesn't help a male friend that's married is complimenting me constantly and making me feel so good about myself.

maybe I'll meet someone next time I go to the club. That ould be nice. :)

Still miserable.

I'm still miserable today. Not as bad as yesterday though. I'm still coughing like there's no tomorrow. Feel like I'm gonna puke I'm coughing so much.


It's for sure now, I'm getting my nose pierced with Tiffanee. Hopefully she can get the money to soon, cause I'm getting really anxious. I haven't asked what side she wants hers on, but it would be awesome if we both wanted the same side, lol. It's all good however things happen, as long as I get the memory of getting a piercing for the first time not out of anger or pain, and the memory of having fun and getting pierced with my bff. I think after all I've been through in my life and the pain and hurt I've been given, I deserve a good memory for once.

Speaking of that, most actions from my past were done out of anger or because of pain inflicted on me by those who I thought cared for me, whether it was friends or someone I as dating. Most of my tattoos, my piercings, my physical and emotional scars. Not that I regret getting any one of those though. It's just a reminder of the hell on earth I've had to go through to get to a good point in my life finally. There is one tattoo I still want to do. It would be a chain that would start around my ankle and probably wrap around my leg, almost to my hip. In each link, would be a name of a person, in order, that has either physically or emotionally hurt me in my life. At the end of it, there would be a lock, to symbolize the end of pain and sorrow, and the beginning of happiness. I also want to have a cross tattooed on my somewhere too, since I've finally gotten saved. I just ant a way to show that without saying it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm miserable today

I hate allergies. It sucks being allergic to EVERYTHING. My nasal cavity is plugged shut, so I can't breath very well, I've been sneezing up a storm, and my lungs are full of something so I'm coughing constantly too. At least the rain today helped get some of the pollen out of the air though. It made it a bit more bareable than yesterday.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I need to get some things off my mind.

   Now, I don't remember if I've said so here, but I've been addicted to pain pills and alcohol, though not at the same time. Since the breakup, I thought I was doing good dealing with my emotions. Or so I thought. Tonight, my emotions hit me like a shovel to the face.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Better Man.

   Since the breakup, I've wanted to stay friends with my ex, even though I wasn't treated the best. None of that really matters to me now, nor did it during the relationship. I forgave her long ago for everything. That's just what you do when you love someone and want the relationship to work. It's life. Yeah, I was trying to commit suicide as a way out from the pain when she left me. But once I got over that, I thought I was over her 100%. Oh, was I ever wrong. Things  went well up until today.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Thank You now.

   Starting the day off great, besides allergies, I was excited to go to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and get my b-day presents. Well, the day went great, went to Macaroni Grill, went from there to see my bff Tiffanee, and then came home to b-day presents.  Good day. Absolutely nothing to complain about in the slightest, especially when I get to hang out with my bff. Anyway.

   *Since the breakup, I've been trying to be the nice person I always am, and try to be friends with her. Yes, I said some mean things in the last blog, but that was out of hurt and pain. I sincerely apologize for that, in case you're reading this blog and read the last one too. You may have hurt me, but I never should have said those things. You ought to know I still feel the same way about you as I did when I asked you to marry me on 1/25/08. I'll always remember that day. None will be happier for me than that day ever again. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to be with you, and even if I do find someone else, I'll regret not being good enough for you till the day I day I die.*

   BTW, I'm listening to Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl.

   There's only one problem for me being friends with her right now. It hurts way too bad. All I want to do is cry thinking what happened. I just want her back, and be engaged again, and be planning when we would be getting married. My life when she and I got together was at the beginnings of a downward spiral. The hurt I was given really didn't help things at all, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and more than likely ever will happen to me. If it weren't for the way my life was headed, I bet we would still be together. My state of mind had me in a place I was overly paranoin, my bi-polarness was uncontrollable, and my depression/suicidal tendencies were on the verge of cracking. It waaas only inevitable it would break. And it did in the end. My state of mind caused me to quit a job and be jobless, made me feel I needed to watch her 24/7, and made me become anti-social. I know all that contributed to our breakup.

   I just wish she saw how I was now. I'm in a much better place, looking for work really hard, and ready to get on with life. Things would be much better now if she would only give me the chance to show her.

   Anyway, the point of all this is the fact that even though I want to be the nice person I always have been, it hurts to talk to her knowing I can't be with her. Hell, it's only email, but it still hurts. But I can't not talk to her. That would be even worse for me. I've been saved and I Believe God has a plan for me. Whether it's to get over her, get back with her, or more than likely meet Him young, I'm fine with whatever happens. I really just don't care.

Sorry, I can't write anymore. I think I'm gonna go back to crying.


Sorry for the changes...

 ... but it had to be done. Hopefully things are going to be better here, but not tonight. In a really depressed mood tonight. I really miss my ex. :( so I don't really want to talk tonight.