Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I feel horrible...

I've been putting off a date with a cute guy that really likes me for a week or so now. He told me tonight he doesn't have much time and since he share's his computer with his dad, that he probably won't be getting online much more. He still wants to meet me and see what can happen, but I feel horrible for doing that to him. he has been nothing but sweet and a gentleman to me, and I just kept blowing him off. I wouldn't be surprised that when I tell him my next free day, he won't wanna meet anymore. Hell, I can't make a woman happy, and hell, I've already started that out with guys.

I think I'm going to go cry now.. :(

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I feel like being interesting now.

I've been watching some videos that Otep Shamaya did answering some questions that people wrote to her. Learning more about her is very inspirational. Her ideals behind "Art Saves" are awesome. I don't even know the words to describe it. I'm not exactly an artsy person, I'm more mechanical really. Except my writing. All I've heard is praise on some of the things I've written, here or elsewhere.

So what I'm getting at is I'm wanting to write something. Not too many people know, but I have some very, what word can I use...vivid?, dreams. Unfortunately, none have really been good, or your typical dreams. What I dream about is pain, torture, desperation, fear, and terror. I'm talking things that would make your skin crawl if it was a movie. What makes these dreams more interesting to me is that I have night terrors. Imagine waking up from a nightmare in your bed, but seeing your bedroom as a poorly lit, blood covered cinder block room. You're strapped to a medical table, while a "creature" spreads your jaws open and starts pushing its way into you. But you don't feel it as your jaw is being ripped off, but your tongue is sliding into the back of your throat, and your mouth and neck are stretching to let the creature inside. Knowing what that feels like consciously is like being part of Hell.

Or having another creature eating you, bite by bite, and feeling the pain of chunks of your body being ripped away. All that, while conscience. Death seems like a sweet release from the pain.

Or how about this. Imagine what it feels like to have a dream in which you are having your entrails ripped out of you. Not through your stomach like most horror movies portray death of that sort. No, I mean having everything inside you pulled out through your mouth, feeling the pain of it ripping inside you, the feeling of choking, losing all ability to breath, while it's pulled up through your throat and out your mouth.

That sort of thing is what I go through every night. Not on a rare occasion, or every once and a while, but every single night. That's one reason I seem to have insomnia, staying awake close to 20 hours at a time a lot of the time. When I do get 8 hours, it's not naturally. It has be brought on by a sleep aid.

My whole point of this is one simple question. Should I try to put some of my nightmares into text and maybe see if I could be published? Writing is one of the few ways I can express myself and my thoughts anymore, so I'm pretty sure I could do it. I'd just like to hear others opinions.

Please message me here or email me at tubes 2 transistors (at) gmail dot com. Take out the spaces, (at) is @ and (dot) is a ".". Hope to hear from some people soon.

Things are getting better.

Things just keep getting better. Figured out last night that I can eat more types of food now. I mean things that 6-8 months ago would have had my stomach tore all to hell and had me sick for weeks. They don't bother me now. :) I don't expect all foods to be ok, so I'm still keeping my stomach pills for backup, lol.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's a good day so far.

It's only 2:51 PM (as of starting this), and it's already a good day. Normally I can never tell whether it's a good day or not till it's time for bed. I had an appointment with Janet today, my therapist, and that went really well. I told her that I quit my antidepressants, and was happier off them than on them. Told her how tings were going in my life, like my relationship with Whitney and Tiffanee, getting out more, going to XYZ, and how I have a date with a super hot 22 y/o UT student. She's amazed at how well I'm progressing from my total depression that was almost debilitating, to making so much progress.I've mentioned several times the HBSC, and she said last time, she had began reading it. That got me up a bit.

   Really, I don't absolutely need therapy anymore, but it does keep me up if something has me down at that time. She even mentioned the way things are going, my not anting to try suicide anymore, and the fact I have my citting almost completely under control and am working to stop even having the urges, that there's really not an absolute need to keep coming. But... today, she said after asking a few things that she's trying to diagnose me. So I'm hoping that means she might do the letter I need to start HRT the legal and safe way. Ordering them from out of country sucks. But, getting it this way is the only way I can get it right now, so it's a risk I'm willing to take.

Anyway, time to go get some Sprites. Later!

Monday, April 18, 2011


   Ok, he just keeps getting better and better. :) I just finished talking to him for the past couple hours now, and literally every single word out of his mouth makes me like him more and more. We talked about movies and music, and relationships tonight. He was amazed I'd been in a relationship for almost 5 years. Oh, and he is such a gentleman too!  I think in these 2 days we've talked online we have really gotten to know each other rather well. Don't get me wrong, I can get to know someone quite fast, but this is just amazing! it's going so fast it's unbelievable! The getting to know each other part, that is, lol. Since my bff is leaving with her hubby tomorrow sometime for some family issues, I had to reschedule our date cause I need me a new outfit to meet him. Not an issue, by any means. He actually had eaten something today that has gotten him sick, so at least we're on the same boat. Hopefully our date goes through on Thursday.

   I can't for the life of my think of anyone that has me so excited for a first date. I'm almost to the point of giving myself an anxiety attack over meeting him! Lol. I've never been that way over anyone before. :P ell, I need to get to sleep, so I'm going to end this here. These 5 am nights are killing me, but it's so worth it to talk to him. Later!

BTW, he told me that he really likes me and really hopes there's some chemistry between us. :D

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I have met the man of my dreams now. Literal perfection. :) Words cannot even describe the goodness. I can't wait to meet him now. ;)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Well, let me reiterate that last post.

    What I meant to say was as of tonight, I'm feeling down. It might be a while before I post again because of a certain something that happened with a certain someone. If you're reading this, I'm not holding against you or anything, and I still want to be friends. K? Just need some time to deal with it.

   Maybe in a few days, or if we talk again I'll start posting. Well, time for bed. My sleeping pill is really working now. Don't want to fall asleep on the porch, lol.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

I need a guy

I need a man in my life. I want someone to take me out. The only thing that sucks about singleness is the boredom. I have a lot of friends now, but most I don't want to hang out with, except my bff. But she's to far away to see everyday. It doesn't help a male friend that's married is complimenting me constantly and making me feel so good about myself.

maybe I'll meet someone next time I go to the club. That ould be nice. :)

Still miserable.

I'm still miserable today. Not as bad as yesterday though. I'm still coughing like there's no tomorrow. Feel like I'm gonna puke I'm coughing so much.


It's for sure now, I'm getting my nose pierced with Tiffanee. Hopefully she can get the money to soon, cause I'm getting really anxious. I haven't asked what side she wants hers on, but it would be awesome if we both wanted the same side, lol. It's all good however things happen, as long as I get the memory of getting a piercing for the first time not out of anger or pain, and the memory of having fun and getting pierced with my bff. I think after all I've been through in my life and the pain and hurt I've been given, I deserve a good memory for once.

Speaking of that, most actions from my past were done out of anger or because of pain inflicted on me by those who I thought cared for me, whether it was friends or someone I as dating. Most of my tattoos, my piercings, my physical and emotional scars. Not that I regret getting any one of those though. It's just a reminder of the hell on earth I've had to go through to get to a good point in my life finally. There is one tattoo I still want to do. It would be a chain that would start around my ankle and probably wrap around my leg, almost to my hip. In each link, would be a name of a person, in order, that has either physically or emotionally hurt me in my life. At the end of it, there would be a lock, to symbolize the end of pain and sorrow, and the beginning of happiness. I also want to have a cross tattooed on my somewhere too, since I've finally gotten saved. I just ant a way to show that without saying it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I'm miserable today

I hate allergies. It sucks being allergic to EVERYTHING. My nasal cavity is plugged shut, so I can't breath very well, I've been sneezing up a storm, and my lungs are full of something so I'm coughing constantly too. At least the rain today helped get some of the pollen out of the air though. It made it a bit more bareable than yesterday.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I need to get some things off my mind.

   Now, I don't remember if I've said so here, but I've been addicted to pain pills and alcohol, though not at the same time. Since the breakup, I thought I was doing good dealing with my emotions. Or so I thought. Tonight, my emotions hit me like a shovel to the face.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Better Man.

   Since the breakup, I've wanted to stay friends with my ex, even though I wasn't treated the best. None of that really matters to me now, nor did it during the relationship. I forgave her long ago for everything. That's just what you do when you love someone and want the relationship to work. It's life. Yeah, I was trying to commit suicide as a way out from the pain when she left me. But once I got over that, I thought I was over her 100%. Oh, was I ever wrong. Things  went well up until today.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Thank You now.

   Starting the day off great, besides allergies, I was excited to go to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and get my b-day presents. Well, the day went great, went to Macaroni Grill, went from there to see my bff Tiffanee, and then came home to b-day presents.  Good day. Absolutely nothing to complain about in the slightest, especially when I get to hang out with my bff. Anyway.

   *Since the breakup, I've been trying to be the nice person I always am, and try to be friends with her. Yes, I said some mean things in the last blog, but that was out of hurt and pain. I sincerely apologize for that, in case you're reading this blog and read the last one too. You may have hurt me, but I never should have said those things. You ought to know I still feel the same way about you as I did when I asked you to marry me on 1/25/08. I'll always remember that day. None will be happier for me than that day ever again. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to be with you, and even if I do find someone else, I'll regret not being good enough for you till the day I day I die.*

   BTW, I'm listening to Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl.

   There's only one problem for me being friends with her right now. It hurts way too bad. All I want to do is cry thinking what happened. I just want her back, and be engaged again, and be planning when we would be getting married. My life when she and I got together was at the beginnings of a downward spiral. The hurt I was given really didn't help things at all, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and more than likely ever will happen to me. If it weren't for the way my life was headed, I bet we would still be together. My state of mind had me in a place I was overly paranoin, my bi-polarness was uncontrollable, and my depression/suicidal tendencies were on the verge of cracking. It waaas only inevitable it would break. And it did in the end. My state of mind caused me to quit a job and be jobless, made me feel I needed to watch her 24/7, and made me become anti-social. I know all that contributed to our breakup.

   I just wish she saw how I was now. I'm in a much better place, looking for work really hard, and ready to get on with life. Things would be much better now if she would only give me the chance to show her.

   Anyway, the point of all this is the fact that even though I want to be the nice person I always have been, it hurts to talk to her knowing I can't be with her. Hell, it's only email, but it still hurts. But I can't not talk to her. That would be even worse for me. I've been saved and I Believe God has a plan for me. Whether it's to get over her, get back with her, or more than likely meet Him young, I'm fine with whatever happens. I really just don't care.

Sorry, I can't write anymore. I think I'm gonna go back to crying.


Sorry for the changes...

 ... but it had to be done. Hopefully things are going to be better here, but not tonight. In a really depressed mood tonight. I really miss my ex. :( so I don't really want to talk tonight.