Sunday, April 10, 2011

I need to get some things off my mind.

   Now, I don't remember if I've said so here, but I've been addicted to pain pills and alcohol, though not at the same time. Since the breakup, I thought I was doing good dealing with my emotions. Or so I thought. Tonight, my emotions hit me like a shovel to the face.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Better Man.

   Since the breakup, I've wanted to stay friends with my ex, even though I wasn't treated the best. None of that really matters to me now, nor did it during the relationship. I forgave her long ago for everything. That's just what you do when you love someone and want the relationship to work. It's life. Yeah, I was trying to commit suicide as a way out from the pain when she left me. But once I got over that, I thought I was over her 100%. Oh, was I ever wrong. Things  went well up until today.

   BTW, I'm listening to Hellyeah's song Thank You now.

   Starting the day off great, besides allergies, I was excited to go to Macaroni Grill for dinner, and get my b-day presents. Well, the day went great, went to Macaroni Grill, went from there to see my bff Tiffanee, and then came home to b-day presents.  Good day. Absolutely nothing to complain about in the slightest, especially when I get to hang out with my bff. Anyway.

   *Since the breakup, I've been trying to be the nice person I always am, and try to be friends with her. Yes, I said some mean things in the last blog, but that was out of hurt and pain. I sincerely apologize for that, in case you're reading this blog and read the last one too. You may have hurt me, but I never should have said those things. You ought to know I still feel the same way about you as I did when I asked you to marry me on 1/25/08. I'll always remember that day. None will be happier for me than that day ever again. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to be with you, and even if I do find someone else, I'll regret not being good enough for you till the day I day I die.*

   BTW, I'm listening to Katy Perry's song I Kissed A Girl.

   There's only one problem for me being friends with her right now. It hurts way too bad. All I want to do is cry thinking what happened. I just want her back, and be engaged again, and be planning when we would be getting married. My life when she and I got together was at the beginnings of a downward spiral. The hurt I was given really didn't help things at all, but she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and more than likely ever will happen to me. If it weren't for the way my life was headed, I bet we would still be together. My state of mind had me in a place I was overly paranoin, my bi-polarness was uncontrollable, and my depression/suicidal tendencies were on the verge of cracking. It waaas only inevitable it would break. And it did in the end. My state of mind caused me to quit a job and be jobless, made me feel I needed to watch her 24/7, and made me become anti-social. I know all that contributed to our breakup.

   I just wish she saw how I was now. I'm in a much better place, looking for work really hard, and ready to get on with life. Things would be much better now if she would only give me the chance to show her.

   Anyway, the point of all this is the fact that even though I want to be the nice person I always have been, it hurts to talk to her knowing I can't be with her. Hell, it's only email, but it still hurts. But I can't not talk to her. That would be even worse for me. I've been saved and I Believe God has a plan for me. Whether it's to get over her, get back with her, or more than likely meet Him young, I'm fine with whatever happens. I really just don't care.

Sorry, I can't write anymore. I think I'm gonna go back to crying.


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