Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Been a while...

Figured I'd better get to posting so the few of you that read this don't stop, lol. So where to begin, lol. Had to deal with a lot of family medical issues since the last post, and decided 100% for sure I want to go to Tennessee School of Beauty. I was sure about it till my mom kept going on and on, and on, and on questioning my choice in a possible career. Not that's anything new though. She's done that with every single career idea I've had. It's not straight forward or blunt, but she nit picks the idea to pieces. I finally said something the other day, but not like it matters. I bet money once I get into school, she will still try to get me out of it.

Anyway, my bff Tiffanee has to move back to NC. Having her as a friend to hang out with and go do stuff with has been better for me than the past 5 years with my ex. (Sorry if you're reading this, but it's the truth) She has gotten me going out, and being more comfortable with myself. Even helped me pick out some makeup (which you didn't seem to be able to do), to get me everything I needed since my neighbor friend Jaime helped me get the majority.

Umm... oh, Karen. I met her off Craigslist too a bit after me and Tiffanee started talking, and she and I had talked on ocassion, but not too often. A couple days before Tiffanee told me her and Chris had to move back to North Carolina, me and Karen started hitting it off. Once I found out, I told Karen, and she said she would do her best to take Tiffanee's place, which as little as we had talked and gotten to know each other, really means something to me. Just like with Tiffanee, Karen is so easy to talk to. Been talking to her on the phone and it's actually fun for me. And that's saying something since I've never liked talking on the phone, lol. Seems like the more we talk, the more the rest of the year gets planned out already, lol. Not that I'm complaining though. I really do need to get out more so I can get over my, for a better lack of a word, stupid fears. Oh, and Karen is going be getting me out in a bikini this year to. :P That'll be interesting.

I know I haven't been out too much in the past while, but I have my makeup down perfectly (or so I'm told, lol), my boobs look great (just my vanity coming out , lol, and others opinions), I don't walk all manly anymore, aaaaaannnnnnd the times I've been out, I've not gotten a single weird look or bad comment, even using womens restrooms. So when you get down to the basics of my transition, there's no reason I should be this way. My therapist Janet, Tiffanee, Karen, Megan, Whitney, Tonya, my ex Ashley (that's a long story, lol), Ensley, my ex Kayla (another long story), Xena, Jaime, and there's prolly others, but they've all said I just need to get over this and just do it. (Off topic, but does anyone see a trend with my friends? Haha)I really want to so I can just get on with my life, but this fear is deep rooted in me and not that simple. I wish it as like you wouldn't believe.

Anyway, real quick, my ex Kayla. If you're reading this, the you prolly remember me telling part of this already, lol. We dated literally forever ago. I was a dick, like with most of my ex's. Mainly cause of the depression I was dealing with but that's not the topic now. When she and I split, I never really got over her. I had feelings for her for years and years after. Anyway, long story short, I finally got over my scaredness (not a proper word, get over it, lol) and found her on Facebook, and messaged her. I'm so glad I did, cause we talked about what happened and after I asked, she forgave me for what I did. I felt horrible about that for years, but now that's one stress off my shoulders. No we're friends and I couldn't be happier.

Next up, my ex Ashley. Those of you that really kno me, I had a particular nickname I would use for her, but the same thing with Kayle happened with her. I was a dick, because of my depression. Never really got over her, but I've known for years she'd been on Facebook, and Myspace before that. Just too chicken to try talking to her. hell, I'd seen her around Seymour dozens of times since we split, and even talked to her little sister a couple times too, but never could talk to her. But we talked, and like Kayla, Ashley forgave me and no we're friends. She's still bitchy like before, but a little worse since we aren't dating anymore. which sucks, cause I'd do anything to get back with her.

But with both Kayla and Ashley, before I messaged them on Facebook, there was something inside me that just told me I should, and I'm glad I did. Well worth the initial stress. So things just keep getting better. Didn't end up with a girlfriend with either of them, but got 2 good friends, which now in my book, is better. I've come to realize, yes, I still really want to be with someone, but even if they pretend to want to spend the rest of their life with you, the whole relationship can turn out to be a lie and you get fucked by the person who you think cares more about you than anyone.

Hell, Whitney, Tiffanee, and Karen care more about me than any single person I've dated in my life, and to be honest, I love them all. I would do anything in my limited power to help them, no matter what it is, where, or what time. I'd do anything for them.

But anyway, the last thing I'd like to write about is that since I became single and got over (can't really say loss) the action that led to me being single, I've been happier than I ever have been in my life. Being out to my parents and them knowing I'm 99% gay (more in a moment) means I can date guys and not have to lie to myself anymore. Right now, I'm talking to 2 guys, and 3 women, 2 of which have kids, which is good since I'm sterile now.

And to the last thing about me saying I'm pretty much gay. After getting saved and my life turning for the better, I did a lot of soul searching. I've come to realize that other than Whitney, Ashley, Kayla, and 2 other women I won't mention here, I don't like women. I just dated them as part of the masculine front I put of for everyone over the years. Not that I regret being with any female I was with, if I had the choice to do it all over, other than those listed, I wouldn't. They didn't make me truly happy. Not like having a guy does. So as a male, I'm gay. As a woman, I'd be straight other than a few bi encounters, as Karen said, haha.

Oh, and one more thing. I'm freaking out over this, but one Karen and her man move here (soon!), she's going use her epilator on me so I can see what it's like. I so want to try one, but the fact I'll prolly freak when she starts and she ill more than likely notice scares me. But if I like it, less shaving for me, lol. And BTW, once she gets here I kno we're gonna be super awesome friends. We get along just as well as me and Tiffanee, which was a first for me ever.


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